First Time Mom or First Time Mistake?

Some nights the Peanut puts himself to bed.  On the really good nights, he picks up his blanket and his gaggle of stuffed animals and heads into his bedroom.  Other nights, he falls asleep during story time and can peacefully be transferred to his crib.  And then there are nights where we've reached the witching hour and his father and I need to take him to bed, semi-against his will.  

This past Sunday, we found ourselves counting down for him "10 more minutes until bedtime"...."5 more minutes until bedtime"....as if I thought that made a difference to him...  Alas, I scooped him up, fully against his will, stood next to his crib and sang him two rounds of lullabies.  He peacefully drifted to sleep on my shoulder to the last few stanzas of 'Hush Little Baby', but just as I smiled to myself at his sweet, sleeping face and tried to place him into the crib he awoke desperately crying for Mama.  I attempted to soothe him with his pacifier and his blankie, his stuffed dogs....the big one and the little one, and with a little more out-of-tune humming.  Nothing; the tears flowed on.  This wasn't his whiny, sleepy, "I just don't want to go to bed" cry.  It was a full on, clear desperation, tears included crying.  I continued to rub his back as he stood at the edge of the crib gripping a piece of my shirt.  Now, like most moms and dads, I try to stick to a schedule.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, naps, bedtime, etc - all on a schedule.  So, you can imagine the thoughts running through my head as I looked down at my little guy, who had pulled his blankie up as a makeshift pillow on the edge of the crib so that he may continue to be close to me.  

"If i pick him up, he'll make a habit of this"

"I can't disrupt the routine"

"He'll settle down if I'm quiet"

But as I looked down at my little guy again, the tears nearly dropped on his head.  My tears.  He was looking to be soothed by his Mama and I was caught up in schedules and regiment.  So with a deep breath, I scooped up my Peanut and found a dark, quiet place for us on the sofa next to his dad.  He was nearly instantly asleep in my arms, just needing a bit of Mama's love to soothe whatever was between Dreamland and him.  I held him for 30 minutes before placing him down in his crib peacefully, nearly 90 minutes past bedtime to sleep like a baby for the rest of the night.  

The moral of the story is that schedules don't replace our children's needs.  We can't schedule time for baths and time for stories and time for bed and assume that it will always go to plan.  Shoot, I can't remember a day in my own life that went exactly to plan.  However, as a first time mom, it's so hard to know what the right decision is and whether it is the right decision in that exact situation.  So while I questioned whether taking my son out of bed for a little more time was a mistake, what I know for sure is that his happiness is my utmost priority.  And NOW I know that sometimes you break your own rules to make that happen.

Internet 1, Me 0

Well, not really zero; that's more reflective of my bank account at this point.  

Last week was literally www.insane.com.  It kicked off with Cyber Monday.  Now, I'm signed up for every newsletter and mailing list on the planet, but I COULD NOT believe how many Cyber Monday emails landed in my inbox.  Whoever created Cyber Monday is a marketing genius.  They have somehow figured out how to create such a desire to have everything.  I mean, it's 40% (or 30% or 60% or god forbid, 70%) off!!  How could I pass this up??  It started so purposefully with holiday shopping for others.  Next thing I knew, I was in the "one for you, one for me" mode.  By the end, I'm not sure I was even LOOKING for gifts for other people!  JCrew skirts for $35.00; Lucy leggings for $50....must.buy.everything!!  By the afternoon, I nearly had a Cyber hangover.  The ironic part is that there are a few Christmas gifts that I really should have sought out and purchased on Monday, but did not even consider it.  The entire event creates such a tizzy that I was barely thinking clearly!  Now I'm just waiting for my purchases arrive.  That's the downside of internet shopping: 5-7 day shipping (but it was FREE!)

I woke up Tuesday a little bit poorer, but excited to spend the day highlighting organizations that are prominent in my life for Giving Tuesday.  There are so many amazing non-profit organizations and small businesses that work diligently to ensure that they can continue the community impact that they strive towards.  I've listed a few here that I happen to love:

1.  The obvious:  Back on My Feet

I've written about BoMF in prior posts. Back on My Feet uses running and community to motivate and support individuals every step of the way from homelessness to independence. Success is not just measured in miles run or walked but in increased health, education, employment and housing.  I just love how many opportunities there are to give to the organization in meaningful ways, not just in monetary donation.  Volunteers can join Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning runs at 5:30AM at various locations throughout the city of Philadelphia (or another 11 BoMF locations nationwide); fundRACERS can raise funds for Back on My Feet through races such as the Broad Street Run or Philadelphia Marathon; runners and walkers can contribute by signing up for the Back on My Feet 5-miler in Philadelphia at the end of March.  The avenues are endless, and the return is even greater: every dollar invested in Back on My Feet returns $2.50 to the local community.  

2.  Water For People 

Another organization that has set out to change the cycle of poverty.  Water for People is an international non-profit working to bring safe water and sanitation to people in nine countries.  Did you know that 1.8 billion people lack access to safe water?  These people are no stranger to walking nearly four hours a day to access usable water.  Partnering with Water for People, communities are looking to give that time back to women and children in order to further education and increase health standards.  I love the partnership with the communities that are served; these things only work when everyone is committed and everyone is accountable.  If you're looking to get more involved with Water for People, you have a number of avenues from corporate partnership to volunteering.  

3. Any and every college and university

For me, The Pennsylvania State University.  For my husband, Seton Hall.  For my friends, Scranton University, Lehigh University, Lafayette College, University of Massachusetts.  You name it, it's worthy.  Consider giving to your major, your college, your athletic fund or a memorial gift.  Even small donations help in education.

4. Girls, Inc

We can all get behind the empowerment of today's youth, right?  Girls, Inc is a North American non-profit focusing on providing life changing experiences and solutions to the unique challenges that girls face.  As an HR Business Partner for a technology organization, I love that Girls, Inc has a strong STEM program that encourages girls to explore math, science and technology from a young age.  It isn't just academics, however, and put emphasis on sports participation and education around violence prevention, pregnancy and economic literacy.  Girls, Inc is truly building our leaders of tomorrow, and showing young girls that they have an equal opportunity to be that leader.  

5. Friends of Waring 

To round out my top five organizations for Giving Tuesday, I'd call your attention to Friends of Waring.  As a city dweller and recent parent, we are constantly fielding the question of whether we will pack up the Peanut and move into the suburbs when he is of school age.  Our answer remains vehemently 'NO'.  Living in Philadelphia affords our son so much more by way of culture and experience than he would receive if we lived elsewhere; it's an easy walk to the zoo or the Franklin Institute, a quick trip to Smith Playground and acres upon acres of Fairmount Park for him to run and play.  I couldn't imagine living anywhere else at this point.  I firmly believe that successful education is a combination of caring teachers and dedicated community.  With the exception of a few, teachers are committed to the development of their students regardless of the neighborhood or location.  However, it's often a resources issue that prevents them from providing all that they would hope in order to enable the greatest success from students.  Schools, especially inner city schools, need help. Parents, neighbors, friends, able and willing professionals:  give to your schools.  The commitment will pay off for the community, the teachers, the school and most importantly, the future of our youth.  

I'm certain that there are thousands of other organizations that were the focus of your Giving Tuesday.   I think that we can all agree that to give is really to receive.  Let's make more days "Giving Tuesday" and watch these organization and our communities flourish.  

Only 19 days until Christmas!  'Tis the season for giving!

Election Hangover

It's safe to say that the results of the 2016 Presidential Election did not go as I had hoped.  Frankly, it hadn't even crossed my mind that things would go the way that they did, and as decisively as they did.  I mean, shouldn't the President-elect be someone with political experience, military experience and/or a platform that includes specific plans for change?  Alas, I was wrong.  (And that doesn't happen often, just ask my husband...)

It's been a week since the election and I feel like I've worked through the five stages of grief the best way that I am going to, with my own emotional twist on them.

First up: Denial.

It's not just a river in Egypt, folks.  This one may or may not still be lingering around (see above paragraph).  The "How could this have happened?!" and the "RIGGED!" - I kid, I kid - thoughts have run rampant for the past seven days.  It's hard to accept that the visions that I had all but made reality were no longer viable: the continued refinement of Obamacare, the direct and forceful push on the glass ceiling, the focus on education....I could go on and on.  ::Sigh:: Hand me the bubbly.  

Next: Anger

I'm pretty good at this one. (Again, you could likely consult my husband...)  The thought that enough of this country chose to support a candidate who has thrown hate terms and phrases around like they were normal makes me livid.  If the list of people that haven't been insulted is shorter than the list of those who have, you should reconsider communication.  ::end rant::


The Fall Out Step: Depression

Towards the end of the week last week, I found myself in a rather emotional place.  The anger hadn't subsided but had found less space in my mind.  I was still trying to comprehend what had happened and constantly perusing blog posts to find ones that concisely articulated how I had been feeling as I was having difficulty putting it into words.  I was tearful in conversation and sentimental when I would look at the naivete that my son can enjoy for a few more years.  I can't even fathom having to explain this to him.  We're raising him to be polite, kind, thoughtful and inclusive of all people yet the newly elected leader of the free world isn't held to these same standards.  Or, as the case may be, standards at all.   


Step Four: Acceptance

Skip.  I can't actually say that I'm here yet.  I can safely say that I won't riot and I won't belittle those with different views, but acceptance is a big step.  I'll check back in when this one happens.

Last, but Certainly Not Least: Action

The best way to counter hate and lack of acceptance is to ensure that your own circle isn't feeling them.  Reach out to friends and into the community.  Being a part of the community has always been a big part of my life.  It brings a balance and perspective that may not otherwise be experienced.  For the past number of years, I've volunteered with an organization called Back on My Feet, and currently sit on the Advisory Board.  It's safe to say that I've remained involved since my orientation in 2009, however it's now clear to me that I need to take steps to get even closer again.  I need to dive back into the hope that comes from being a part of community change.  

If you're still finding your way through this despondency, try to look around for the places where you can impact the change that we were hoping for.  Can you be a safe place for a friend, or a group of friends?  Can you give to your community in a way that helps to become a better place?  Can you be a voice for those who are still trying to find their voice?A hangover feels different for us all, but the effects will fade with time and you'll be back in fighting shape.  Change is on the horizon; we'll just need to find an amended path there.

My First Time

No no, not that.  Come on now, it's Election Day!

I stand before you admitting that today was my first vote.  I know what you're thinking:  "It's your civic duty" and "Our ancestors fought long and hard for the right to vote".  Look, I've heard them all but until this year, I was confident that our country could manage through whatever decision may result.  I'm not political by nature and and without a strong opinion, it wasn't something that I prioritized.  

This year is certainly different.  

Some may say that it's because I've had a child and I'm thinking more about the future now - his future - but I don't think that's the driver.  As it stands, I often believe that my toddler more closely aligns with Trump in his joy of tantrums and mutual need for an super hold hairspray.  

Others may assume that I'm simply trying to be a part of history by voting for the first woman to be nominated by a major party.  While this historic moment is amazing (AH-MAZ-ING!!), it would never be the sole motivator to head out to the polls.  

I voted today because I'm ready to be part of the conversation, part of the solution.  We're a society that has literally divided over views, opinions, judgment and choice.  Not only is it my choice to vote, but it's my choice to select a candidate that is right for me and my future. For the past number of months, this society has torn each other down for making that choice as it may not align with those around them.  The hate filled speech and the unwillingness to HEAR each other has become the norm, and when the norm is unacceptable you fight for change.  

At the end of the day, my choice to vote for Hillary Clinton is a confident decision that the conversation remains open to all voices, regardless of race, gender, age or socio-economic status.  It's going to be a long road, folks, as change doesn't happen overnight, but I can hope that tonight's results show that we're on the right path.  Until that time, take care to understand your fellow Americans and the fears that drive their decisions, speak WITH them rather than AT them and make this country what everyone wants it to be.  You may not be feeling that it's a great place to be, but if you look around with open minds, it's a pretty great opportunity.  

So if you haven't yet, make your way to the polls and vote for what's important to you.  Whether it's your first step into the booth or you're an old pro, not only find your way there but find yourself open to those your meet along the way.  

Wow, I'm Out of Touch

Thankfully, not with reality.  Well, at least most of the time.

To look back at my blog, I posted my last entry nearly nineteen months ago.  At that time I was closing in on the final month of my pregnancy with my little Peanut.  The fear was in full effect that I was about to become a mom, step away from my job for almost four months for maternity leave when I had barely taken a week of vacation at any one time in my career, and the unsolicited advice of "your life as you know it is over" was rolling in faster than the fog in Northern Ireland.  I wasn't quite sure at that time what change looked like.  Were we going to be so sleepless and exhausted that the baby would be walking before I got my arms around life?  Would the little guy be so unmanageable that I wouldn't leave the house any longer?  Or could change reflect brilliant, positive steps in a life forward with my new plus one family?  

I quickly learned a few things about my new life:

• Sleepless comes in waves but it doesn't feel so bad when you forget about the clock and get lost in that little baby face that wakes up hangry
• Bottles are like Gremlins and multiply in water
• A baby fever is counter-intuitive.  When your baby fever reaches 100'...101'...102', don't fret.  Worry over 102', and up to 105'.  Crazy, but true
• Wearing a shirt covered in spit-up phases you less and less as the days go by
• Blow Out no longer refers to going to the hair stylist or turning a year older
• You don't really realize how much your life has changed until you have enough time behind you to reflect

Looking back, the worries of a new parent are abundant and while they are never irrational, they are often stresses that a new parent just doesn't need. My son was the last to crawl and one of the last in his class to start walking.  A good friend and experienced parent said to me (paraphrased because I'm a tired parent...), "It's not like he'll be in college and still not walking.  It will happen when it will happen".  She couldn't have been more right.  Babies develop at their own pace and the best we can do is encourage, assist and most importantly, not own that process for our children.  

This past weekend, my husband and I took the Peanut out to the Wissahickon trails for a run during one of the last nice weekends we are going to see before winter.  As we closed out our run, a memory of doing a very similar run as the little guy neared six months old jogged my mind.  I smiled thinking of how much has changed since that day.  That day I feared that we'd never find a regular rhythm in our lives, running or otherwise, again.  On this Sunday, I smiled as we popped the stroller out of the trunk, played in the leaves, traveled with nearly 1/3 of the things that we considered 'must haves' nearly a year ago and enjoyed a few hours of exposing our son to one of the things that his dad and I love - running.  I can only hope that we can continue to foster his loves and his passions as he continues to grow.  And while parenting will never be easy, it does get more normal.  If you're currently feeling the panic of losing yourself, your mind or your passions, just hang on.  It does come back, but luckily it comes back with more purpose and the ability to share it with those you love.

Wissahickon Run 2015

Wissahickon Run 2016