...With a Side of Crazy

Most times life flows along without too much thought.  I assume that things are true because I have no reason to believe otherwise.  I assume that people are good because I have not seen them do anything to change that thinking.  I believe in the positive, in love, in kind hearts and in honest people because that's what makes the most sense for me.  However you can't always stop the mind for doing it's own thing.  Its so easy to find the bad or to assume the worst, and while it's not the best trajectory to allow your brain to follow, at times it's unstoppable.  I so affectionately refer to this as "The Crazy".  

Last week, I ordered a small side of The Crazy for a few consecutive days.  I'd like to think that I'm not the only one that ever experiences this.  Likely there are ladies out there who have similar insecure moments that lead to a landslide of The Crazy.  For those of you who have the luxury of not experiencing this, let me try to explain.  The Crazy begins when you hear something/see something/read something that makes you question everything that you believe to be true around facet of life.  For me, it was relationship.  Over the past ten months, I have not questioned it's stability for a moment.  However once I bought my ticket on the Crazy Train, everything started to crumble.  I'll spare you the details around where The Crazy began, but what started as brief self doubt quickly snowballed into a full scale panic of whether I was in a relationship in which I was only perceiving to be perfect.  "How could I be so naive?  How did I not see this? And SHIT I just moved everything I own into this place.  What an idiot."  It's so easy to let irrational thought process take over.  No one wants to be deceived; no one wants to be lied to. 

I've had some crappy relationships, and with their departure came the promise to never forget what happened and to always follow my gut.  It's a conscious decision every day to not make the current and the future pay for the past.  Here I was standing face to face with the reality that I'd been deceived in the past and I'm now projecting this on the current (and the future, assuming I can keep The Crazy at bay long enough...)  I'd already lost a night of sleep over this and it was time to gently broach the conversation.  As the words came out of my mouth, I could hear how crazy it sounded.  I could have been standing on the roof of my lovely Hamptons estate screaming "I'M TERRIFIED THAT YOU'LL LEAVE ME", and I wouldn't have sounded any less nuts.  Every few minutes I'd try to tell myself to shut up.  "You sound bonkers.  Off the deep end.  Over the edge."  However, the words flowed like verbal vomit.  My insecurities poured out like the massive leak in our kitchen.  And when there was nothing left to say, he was still sitting there.  He hadn't run or fought me or affirmed The Crazy [out loud].  And exactly one week later, he's still sitting there, right next to me.

Is Joe perfect?  No.  Does he do things that I don't understand that make me self conscious?  At times.  Is it intentional?  No.  I can say this with the most certainty that a girl crazy in love can find.  And while I can't guarantee that my sanity will remain intact all the time, what I know is the best relationships bring you back from the deep end stronger than ever.  The morning after 'Grossly Insecure Thursday', I went for a run.  I was by myself, it was hot and I was far from hydrated, but I needed to time spent with my sneakers.  It didn't clear out the questions or the reasons that I had gotten to that place, but it did remind me that I'm still me.  And the only way that I know how to be me is to love with all that I have.  People are going to do what they are going to do, and if you're lucky they'll do all the things that make you feel great.  But even if they don't, believe that the decisions that you've made to look for the positive in those around you will strengthen the most important love - the one with yourself.