Lies of Protection

As I type this title, I can't help but wonder if lies to protect someone actually exist. I've spent the past 36 hours pondering whether someone can actually lie to spare your feelings or whether lying is a purely selfish move that only protects those who serve to deliver them. 

"I didn't tell you because I knew that it would hurt you" is an overused lying crutch.  Um, have you taken the time to think about the facts that A) you're doing something that you need to cover up and B) lying to someone may actually hurt them more than simply being honest?  The Oxford dictionary (who, mind you, just added YOLO and twerking so keep your credibility at arm’s length...) defines "white lie" as 'a harmless or trivial lie, especially one told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings'.  Society has accepted the white lie as normal, and it seems as though people turn a blind eye to these actions.  The "little white lie" is often coupled with "what he/she don't know won't hurt him/her".  But who are you really protecting with your white lies and your lack of communication?  In my opinion, only you.  You are protecting your own ass, your own ego, your own arrogance and your need for secrecy.  Please, spare me the "protection" while you're scheming to keep yourself safe.  

Lies are insanely painful regardless of whether they seem inconsequential or are elaborate and intentional.  In the moment in which you stop to decide that you are going to tell a lie, you can also decide that you're going to tell the truth.  And when you're rationalizing with yourself that this is the best thing for the affected party, please take a moment to remind yourself that this is really the best thing for yourself, and not anyone else.  Lies never stay hidden.  In fact, hiding a lie is harder than finishing the toughest race or the most difficult assignment at work.  One lie becomes two lies and two lies becomes a story that you  may need to remember for the next 70 years of your life.  Eventually the memories of your lie will wear thin and you will be exposed for the distrustful fool that you are.  Once trust is gone in any relationship, it may never return.  Even when both parties work to repair a relationship fractured by lies, it may take years before the injured party finds a way to trust again.  Is that really worth the lie, or the duration of time that may be spent in the doghouse (most likely a lot shorter than had you decided to lie)?  My guess is no.  

In a very serendipitous fashion, I came across a blog this week written by a man who had recently divorced after 16 years of marriage.  Whatever the man had done had caused his wife to pack up and present the dreaded paperwork that signals the end of an era.   He wrote a list of twenty tips that will keep your marriage going.  Advice, as he stated, that he wish that he would have received.  Now, I'm clearly not a man and I've never been married, but the list is rather relevant in any relationship.  When I reached number 16 I wanted to scream, "YES! THANK YOU!!  IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT?!!".  Had I not been sitting at my computer in the office, I may have actually reacted this way.  Instead, I retweeted the article to remind myself any time that I deserve honesty and transparency from those that love me.  As he states, "If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds…"

I  know that love and relationships don't come easy.  They take work, sacrifice and dedication.  However, they also require courage, trust and openness - three things that are ruined by a lie.  Lies don't protect the one that you are lying to, regardless of what you have convinced yourself.  They may protect the liar for a while, but even he/she will be exposed eventually.  They don't serve a bigger purpose and don't build us into stronger, more selfless people. If we spent more time putting someone else's feelings above our own, I would have to imagine that the temptation to lie would decrease knowing that the someone else's feelings do not benefit.  

It's posts like this that remind me as to why I write this blog.  It's not for other people to read and follow, despite that being an added perk.  It's really to get my thoughts out and visible for me to evaluate.  The 36 hours prior to this post and the 500 words of thinking that accompanied have made it much easier for me to process a lot of my thoughts.  Life comes with a good number of ups, downs and days that feel like your roller coaster has multiple upside down loops.   The best we can do is try to maneuver through them with whatever help comes our way.  Thankfully sometimes the best help comes in the form of an updated diary - the blog.